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If Wanting is the Root of Suffering, then...

Last week I accidentally sent all of you three old blog posts in addition to my normal "upcoming events" email. I was quite embarrassed when I failed to realize that my website provider would "auto-send" these causing you to receive four emails in just a few hours. Please accept my apologies for this unintentional spam-attack. One of the blogposts was the eulogy to my extraordinary mother who passed away in August while we were vacationing together in Rome. Many of you sent your condolences and offered assistance, and for that I am truly grateful. It has been a especially difficult time because we just lost my father last year. But, the kindness displayed by our clients, friends, and community has been a salve on the wound of these painful losses. I will be honest, there have been some dark times in the past few months as I allow grief to do its work on my soul; it brings a bitter melange of: regret, shame, confusion, longing, physical pain, anger, jealousy, exhaustion, self-pity, and profound emptiness.

Yes, I allow it. I don't invite the grief to invade me, rather I hold space for the darkness to come to me, and fill me, inform me, and transform me. It is in those moments of despair that the light comes--in the form of fond memories of my parents, raw self-reflection, profound messages from my guides, a reignited commitment to my family, and a deeper connection with all of the loved ones in our community who have reached out in their own compassionate ways. I am doing something I rarely do:receive. You see, many of you were with me on our summer solstice shaman walk when a new chant was revealed to me from Spirit. You all had gone on your individual journeys in the forest, and when you returned I was drumming and chanting this:

If wanting is the root of suffering,

then allowing is the path to happiness.

If wanting is the root of suffering,

then allowing is the path to happiness.

Want not, need not, fear not,

for all is abundant and all is good,

and all is unfolding just as it should.

These words have carried me through some very unusual occurrences over the summer and certainly through the tragic loss of my mother. These words--that were given to me from the full strength of the sun in the sky--have carried me through its waning months. These words have held me to the earth when the darkness of grief creeps in and I wish I could escape it. These words have reminded me that when I don't resist what's happening, and just allow the mystery of my journey to unfold, it will all be good. And it is.

Strangely enough, my mother was visiting us that summer solstice week. Intrigued by the breathwork practice Shamama provides, she had surprised me with a breathing meditation book as a hostess gift. When I was clearing out her luggage in Rome, I found another copy that she had purchased for herself; she was learning, growing, and embracing life to her very last breath.

I remember that she had wished she could go on that summer shaman walk with me, but she had made a commitment to see every single one of her kids, nephews, nieces, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren--and several dear friends--before she went back to Texas, so she begged off to travel to the other side of the state. She was able to say good-bye to nearly every family member and friend before she went beyond the veil. It all was unfolding just as it should.

As we near the winter solstice and darkness enshrouds us, we are once more reminded that darkness is a gift, for without it, there would be no light. My wish for you this season is that you see the wisdom in the dark times, receive the warmth of the light, and feel the love all around us.

With Love and Light,


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